As I sit here looking at my now 7 month old baby boy, watching him play and laugh, I think back to a time not too long ago when I was desperate to be a mother.
I remember sitting at my grandfather's funeral, which will be 3 years ago this upcoming week, and thinking I am ready to be a mother. I am ready to stop putting myself first and I am ready, willing and able to focus on bringing a new life into this world. I couldn't wait to be a parent to a tiny human being with a main goal of raising him or her to be a good and happy person who will hopefully be a lot like the man that we were burying that day.
I thought it'd be easy; that we would do what we were supposed to do, and I'd get pregnant. It seemed easy enough, but then a few months went by and nothing happened. So I did a little research and started temping to time ovulation. A few more months went by and still nothing. Maybe we were doing it wrong? We'll try a little longer. After a full year of disappointment, I went to my doctor. She referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, who ran blood work and other tests and determined that I needed a little help from a fertility drug called Femara.
So, in April 2012, I started a drug protocol that would allow me to time ovulation perfectly and then the doctor would help us with fertilization. I was excited, because this was the ticket I needed to get my baby. I was wrong... again.
However, it was also around that time that I sought support from the Baby Center Community, which is an online blogging site for women who are either pregnant, trying to conceive or already mothers. I found a group of women - My Warriors - who have been a huge support for me. Over the last two and a half years, we have laughed, cried, celebrated and cheered each other on through this rollercoaster of a process.
They were there for me when I had a chemical pregnancy in August of 2012, when I needed to start "shooting up" with Bravelle - a different, more potent fertility drug, and then they were there for me through a Laparoscopy surgery that went horribly wrong. It was to be an outpatient procedure that landed me 3 days in a hospital bed and two weeks hooked up to a catheter. Maybe TTC wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother. I was devastated.
After the surgery from hell, I decided I needed a break. I couldn't go back to the RE until I had healed not only my body, but my mind and my soul. I convinced the people in my every day life that I wasn't so focused on TTC any more - after all, "I just needed to relax." That is so much easier said than done my friends. If you haven't walked a mile in a woman trying to conceives' shoes, please don't tell her to relax and that it will happen. It's not always that easy. You physically and mentally can not relax when you are visiting the doctor every other day for the first half of your cycle. TTC is always on our mind. Even during my break, it was there. And on the second month of that break, I was shocked and elated to find out that my prayers had finally been answered.
On January 11, 2013, I got a positive pregnancy test. I called my RE the next morning and got an emergency blood test to confirm that I was indeed pregnant and that it wasn't another chemical pregnancy. Another two days after that, my beta levels were rising as they should and I breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Then at 5 weeks, 3 days, I saw this beautiful little sac that would grow to be my beautiful baby boy. Another week after that, we saw his little heart beat. Each milestone in my pregnancy was a triumphant victory. I was finally going to be a mom, and on September 24, 2013 we welcomed Matthew into our home and our lives and all of the heartache and troubles I had went away. I stare at this baby boy and my heart wants to explode. With each breathe I take I love him a little bit more.
For the women still trying to conceive, I pray that your time will come when the heart ache and pain of TTC goes away and just seems like a distant memory.
For those who know someone struggling with infertility, there is nothing you can say to make them feel better. Just be there for them and listen to them vent. Don't take their disappointment when a friend announces her pregnancy personally. It's not that an infertile isn't happy for the other person, it's that she is longing for that take home baby herself.
This is infertility awareness week. For my warriors still trying BELIEVE!
