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Tuesday, September 16, 2014


This morning I woke up feeling a little down thinking that my baby isn't really a baby any more.

He will turn one a week from tomorrow, and I cannot believe it. I feel like he just got here.

I remember so vividly the moment he was placed in my arms for the first time, and yet, this first year has been kind of a blur. I recall snippets of time that melted my heart, but I wish I could capture the memories over this past year - the best one of my life - in a bottle so that I will always remember exactly his newborn smell; his first smile; his first laugh; the first time he rolled over, crawled and walked; the first time he said mama and dada; the moment when he and Marley became best friends. The list goes on and on. I'll never have these firsts with him again, and a part of me is a little sad that I won't get those moments in time back.

Each day Matthew does something new to amaze me, and I am so proud of the little boy he is becoming. He's sweet and easy going. He makes me laugh daily, and his growing personality show little nuances of both Eric and myself. I look forward to seeing the man he becomes - just not so fast.

As much as I love watching him grow and explore new things, I miss the days where he would cuddle with me for hours on end. Now, he wants to run all over the place, chase Marley, climb the stairs, jump on dada, and blow raspberries on mama. He also loves to escape during diaper changes, give me love bites (I'm working on nipping that in the bud) and terrorizing Marley by ripping out clumps of her hair and sticking his fingers up her nose. That dog that was so crazy as a puppy really makes me proud of the dog she has become. She happily lets Matt terrorize her, and although she does get jealous that Matt has taken away some of her attention, she's so good with him. He goes WWE on her constantly, jumping on her and pinning her when she least expects it and she just wags her tail harder when he gives her Matthew hugs. The growing bond and friendship between them makes me smile.

Monday, September 8, 2014

This time last year...

This time last year I was miserable, fat and antsy to meet my little one.

This time last year, I was getting as much work done so that I could enjoy my maternity leave and not have to worry about what was going on at the office.

This time last year, I was having one last ultrasound of my baby to make sure everything was a-okay and he or she (didn't know the gender at this point) was healthy -estimated to be about 7.3 lbs at 38 weeks in utero - and about to make his debut. My how times have changed.

Yesterday, I took my almost one year old grocery shopping. It's one of his favorite activities. He loves to ride in the cart, wave to other customers and babble down every aisle we go. I have a normal conversation with him, talking about what we should buy and ask him what flavors he'd like. He responds in baby talk that I don't quite understand, but it's a great conversation nonetheless, because it's great mommy and Matty time. In fact, we had a lot of mommy and Matty time this weekend, and it was THE BEST!

On Friday, Matt and I went to an impromptu play date. I shopped for make up and Matty played with other toddlers at the party. He isn't really into playing with other kids yet, so he basically kept to himself and played with a wooden toy duck, but he enjoyed himself and when he got tired, he reached up and nuzzled my hair until it was time to go.

On Saturday, I took a mommy time out for a couple of hours to go shopping and  meet baby Emerson - one of my best friend's new baby boy. He's gorgeous and such a tiny little peanut. I tried to remember Matthew being that small and, to be honest, it's a little fuzzy. I mean I remember him being a newborn, but at the same time I don't. It is the strangest thing, because this has been the quickest and longest year of my life. One study says that it's normal for moms to "forget" the newborn stage, because if we remembered it all we may not have more babies. But I didn't mind the newborn stage, so why don't I remember it very clearly? It's a conundrum.

Later Saturday night, Matt and I watched cartoons, played chase and laughed in hysterics at each other. I, of course, captured much of it with my iPhone... sorry for clogging up your Facebook and Istagram feeds, but I couldn't help myself. He is just too darn cute. 

He is growing up so fast. I just wish time would stand still for just a little while, so that I can enjoy my baby a little longer before he turns one and is a pre-toddler. 

Monday, August 18, 2014

And he's off and running!

I came home one day from work last week to see my 10.5 month old walk to me. He's been cruising for a good month using just his finger to support himself as he moves along various household furniture to get where he wants to go, and then one day he just took off. He's still unsteady and has a record of about 10 steps in a row before falling, but I am so proud of my little dude, and let me tell you, he's proud of himself, too. That grin of his goes from ear to ear and he's just so happy and pleased with himself when he walks to where he wants to go... usually into mommy's arms.

He's also a little chatter box nowadays. What does he say? I have no idea, but he thinks the stories he's telling me are just the funniest in the world. If I were narrating his gibberish it probably sounds something like this... "You'll never guess what I did to Marley today. When she least expected it, I snuck up behind her and yanked out a fistful of hair, and then she gave me lots of kisses. Isn't that so funny mommy?" Or something like, "You'll never guess what I did to daddy. When he was changing me, I scooted out from underneath him and peed all over the floor. I am hilarious!" And finally, "I am going to wake you up at least four times tonight mommy. Just be prepared, because I know that the only way you'll come into my room is if I stand up and yell Ma over and over again. I am onto your games and I will win."

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

Summer time!

I cannot believe how quickly this summer has been flying by. Daddy Day Care has been going pretty well most days, but then there are mornings like today. As I was about to head out the door to go to work Matthew clung to my leg like static-cling and yelled and cried - wailed actually.  It broke my heart.  I'm just thankful he can't talk yet, because if he started yelling "don't go mommy," I don't think I would have made it today.

People say that leaving your child to go to work gets easier, and some days that is true, but then there are days like today and I sit here wondering what life would be like as a stay at home mom. I dream about it actually. I am envious of those who can feed their children every meal of the day, those that can take their children to the park or the zoo any day of the week. Those that can discipline their children when they do something they aren't supposed to do, and pick them up and kiss their boo boos when they fall. Yes, I do that when I get home at 6 p.m. until the time Matthew goes to bed and then wakes up at 2 or 3 a.m. and rock him until he falls asleep. But I feel like I still miss so much.

I am so thankful that Eric gets to stay home with him for weeks and months at a time, and there are days I really regret my choice to go to school for communications instead of teaching. (side note: I would have been a horrible teacher, and I give so much credit to those educators that make a difference in the lives of so many children.) But to stay home during the summer, to take family vacations without checking in at the office, and to get a little extra time with Matthew - ugh a girl can dream!

Now, this post is going to spur comments about how I should quit my job and be a stay at home mom, but it's not that simple my friends. Financially, we just can not do it, and let's face it, if I did stay at home, I'm sure I'd find a way to complain about never having a minute to myself, having to do all the cooking, cleaning and parenting - oh wait, I already complain about that! Life is life no matter which way you lead it. For now, I'll just be envious of the extra time daddy gets with Matthew, and I'll savor the hours and weekends that I do have with my baby boy. 

Friday, July 25, 2014

10 months old... SOO BIG!

Yesterday, Matthew turned 10 months old. He's officially been on the outside longer than he was in the inside. It's crazy how quickly this time has gone, and yet, I can't seem to remember life before him.

I was discussing this phenomenon just the other day with my good friend, another new mom. We couldn't figure out how, before kids, we managed our time. Between work, family and friends and household chores, I felt like I was always pretty busy. But now? I can't seem to find a minute to myself, let alone get all the things I want to finished before the next day, spend quality time with family and friends, have quiet time with the husband and take care of the baby. I must have grown super human powers when I became a mom, because even though life has drastically changed, I wouldn't trade it in for my old life in a million years. I'd gladly take changing diapers, nightly baths, soothing baby to sleep at all hours of the night and kissing boo boos over nights out at bars, fancy dinners and shopping sprees.

At 10 months old, Matthew is a crawling pro and standing on his own unassisted for short periods of time. Some days, he even looks as though he's going to take off running, which I anticipate will happen any day now. He is a great eater and wants whatever mommy has on her plate - so long spicy food and added salt. He says mama and dada and I think he's finally starting to associate what those two words actually mean. Marley is his best friend. He feeds her cheerios every morning from his high chair and likes to play games with Marley's crate. He's a cuddle bug, and, although he's shy at first, he opens up pretty quickly in new surroundings.

Thursday, July 17, 2014

When and if to have baby #2

When and if I am ready for baby # 2 has been a major topic of conversation among my mommy friends lately. Not just my online group, but my personal and coworker friends as well. I guess when you're gearing up for the first birthday, it becomes pretty commonplace to start hearing, "so when is baby number 2 coming along?"

For me, I am really enjoying my time with Matthew, so unless a miracle oops occurs, sorry folks, I am in no rush to become pregnant again. Do I want more kids? Of course. But right now? Not so much. I was really sick my whole pregnancy with Matthew, and although I know that symptoms can vary from pregnancy to pregnancy, I can't imagine chasing my almost 10 month old around, and at the same time trying anything and everything to prevent myself from puking my guts out every other hour. I am sure it's doable, but call me crazy, it doesn't sound all that appealing to me.

It feels like just yesterday that I was trying everything I could to get pregnant though and it seems selfish and hypocritical to now, just two years later, hear the words come out of my mouth that I am in no rush to try for another one. Maybe it's because I remember so vividly the disappointment, heartache and emotional toll that TTC took on me. I would do it all over again in a heartbeat for Matthew, but at this moment in time, I am in no rush to get back to that dark place before pregnancy.  I hope my struggles with infertility are a thing of the past, but if they are not, then I'll deal with it when the time comes. In the meantime, I am going to love my little guy to pieces and enjoy spending my one-on-one time with him, after all, he's the only child I'll be able to have one-on-one time with.

I have such sadness for my friends that are still awaiting their miracle babies. Everything we go through to get these precious babies are so worth it, but somedays, I look back and wonder how I got up and functioned every day? Some of my fellow infertiles are trying new treatments, others are moving onto adoption and some are just trying to grasp the concept of being childless or having an only child. I am thankful that I don't have to make that decision today or even tomorrow. But these are amazing women, who I admire so much. In fact, one of my friends started a new venture that will help parents of IVF children donate their extra embryos to other women in need. Her website is

There is a give away for five free profiles for embryo donor recipients. If you, or anyone you know, would be interested in it, send them to the website to enter the drawing.

Monday, July 14, 2014

First Family Vacation

Eric, Matthew and I just returned home from a much-needed Florida vacation with my side of the family. We had a great time. It was relaxing and quiet. We spent our days at the beach or by the pool and we took turns putting the baby down for his nap and getting him out of the sun when the time came. Vacationing with a little one is much different than vacationing without children.  It's not necessarily a worse time, it's just different and you have to plan things much differently.

Before Matthew, Eric and I would try to do as many excursions and try as many new restaurants and foods as we could when we went away, although I admit, I wish we had gone away on more vacations pre-parenthood as opposed to me being a frugal workaholic. Now, vacationing revolves around nap times, feedings and how long Matthew's been out in the sun.

Matthew did great on the airplane both to Florida and back home. He didn't fuss much and blessed mommy by falling asleep during take off and landing, so he didn't seem bothered by the change in air pressure. I on the other hand couldn't hear very well the first day there and the first day home. But enough about me, back to the baby.

He was mesmerized by the ocean and yelled back at the waves when they rolled in. He neither loved nor hated the sand, and he thoroughly enjoyed spending every day playing with his cousins. He didn't sleep well the entire vacation, and in turn, neither did mommy and daddy. Most nights, he ended up between us in the bed, and for being an 18-pound baby, he sure took up a lot of room.

Here is a snap shot of some of our time in the Sunshine State:

We shopped til we dropped on Monday... literally. When we went out for lunch Matthew took me by surprise and threw his head back and I almost dropped him, although he did fall back onto the table, causing a scene. He wasn't hurt, but screamed loud enough for the entire restaurant to turn and stare at the commotion. I was mortified and it showed on my face, which ensued more tears from my nine month old.

The next day, we laid by the pool and at night Eric and I met up with my college friend who is now living in Miami for cocktails at this trendy bar on the beach.  When we got back we celebrated my brother in law's birthday. Tuesday was a great day.

Wednesday morning we went back to the beach and then took a trip to Boca Raton and shopped with the rich. We spent a good chunk of time in Janey and Jack and bought Matthew the most adorable pants I think I've ever seen. I am pretty sure I could have spent hours in that store, but luckily for my bank account, my husband pulled me back to reality. Our shopping trip was then cut short by a very scary thunder and lightning storm. We then went out to dinner as a whole family and enjoyed delicious food with eachother and my parents' childhood friends. Another great day!

Thursday, Eric's last day there, we went on a boat ride where we saw these gorgeous mansions. We decided that in that area of Florida, you are either really wealthy, very poor or old. There isn't much in between. At least that was the perception I got.

Friday morning my dad and I dropped Eric off at the airport so he could get back in time for our friends' wedding, and I laid by the pool until the family went to Margate for dinner at our family friends' house. They live on a canal that connects to the Everglades and I searched for any signs of alligators to no avail. For those that know me personally, you know that I am fascinated by critters. I don't necessary want to touch or hold them, but I love to see them and observe them in the wild, in their environment - snakes and reptiles are my favorite. Call me weird, but they fascinate me.

Saturday was filled with packing and cleaning and then getting to the airport on time. Matthew flirted with a few girls in the airport while we waited to board the flight and then fell asleep during take off again. When he woke up he fussed a little bit, but not enough to really bother the other passengers. All in all, we had a great time, and I wish we didn't have to come back to reality so soon. Although I do love my own bed and Matthew feels the same way. He's slept straight through the past two nights in a row and has taken several long naps since we've been back home.