As I sit here looking at my now 7 month old baby boy, watching him play and laugh, I think back to a time not too long ago when I was desperate to be a mother.
I remember sitting at my grandfather's funeral, which will be 3 years ago this upcoming week, and thinking I am ready to be a mother. I am ready to stop putting myself first and I am ready, willing and able to focus on bringing a new life into this world. I couldn't wait to be a parent to a tiny human being with a main goal of raising him or her to be a good and happy person who will hopefully be a lot like the man that we were burying that day.
I thought it'd be easy; that we would do what we were supposed to do, and I'd get pregnant. It seemed easy enough, but then a few months went by and nothing happened. So I did a little research and started temping to time ovulation. A few more months went by and still nothing. Maybe we were doing it wrong? We'll try a little longer. After a full year of disappointment, I went to my doctor. She referred me to a reproductive endocrinologist, who ran blood work and other tests and determined that I needed a little help from a fertility drug called Femara.
So, in April 2012, I started a drug protocol that would allow me to time ovulation perfectly and then the doctor would help us with fertilization. I was excited, because this was the ticket I needed to get my baby. I was wrong... again.
However, it was also around that time that I sought support from the Baby Center Community, which is an online blogging site for women who are either pregnant, trying to conceive or already mothers. I found a group of women - My Warriors - who have been a huge support for me. Over the last two and a half years, we have laughed, cried, celebrated and cheered each other on through this rollercoaster of a process.
They were there for me when I had a chemical pregnancy in August of 2012, when I needed to start "shooting up" with Bravelle - a different, more potent fertility drug, and then they were there for me through a Laparoscopy surgery that went horribly wrong. It was to be an outpatient procedure that landed me 3 days in a hospital bed and two weeks hooked up to a catheter. Maybe TTC wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. Maybe I wasn't meant to be a mother. I was devastated.
After the surgery from hell, I decided I needed a break. I couldn't go back to the RE until I had healed not only my body, but my mind and my soul. I convinced the people in my every day life that I wasn't so focused on TTC any more - after all, "I just needed to relax." That is so much easier said than done my friends. If you haven't walked a mile in a woman trying to conceives' shoes, please don't tell her to relax and that it will happen. It's not always that easy. You physically and mentally can not relax when you are visiting the doctor every other day for the first half of your cycle. TTC is always on our mind. Even during my break, it was there. And on the second month of that break, I was shocked and elated to find out that my prayers had finally been answered.
On January 11, 2013, I got a positive pregnancy test. I called my RE the next morning and got an emergency blood test to confirm that I was indeed pregnant and that it wasn't another chemical pregnancy. Another two days after that, my beta levels were rising as they should and I breathed a tiny sigh of relief. Then at 5 weeks, 3 days, I saw this beautiful little sac that would grow to be my beautiful baby boy. Another week after that, we saw his little heart beat. Each milestone in my pregnancy was a triumphant victory. I was finally going to be a mom, and on September 24, 2013 we welcomed Matthew into our home and our lives and all of the heartache and troubles I had went away. I stare at this baby boy and my heart wants to explode. With each breathe I take I love him a little bit more.
For the women still trying to conceive, I pray that your time will come when the heart ache and pain of TTC goes away and just seems like a distant memory.
For those who know someone struggling with infertility, there is nothing you can say to make them feel better. Just be there for them and listen to them vent. Don't take their disappointment when a friend announces her pregnancy personally. It's not that an infertile isn't happy for the other person, it's that she is longing for that take home baby herself.
This is infertility awareness week. For my warriors still trying BELIEVE!
Friday, April 25, 2014
Monday, March 24, 2014
Six months already!
Today, my Matty Luke turns 6 months old. Where has the time gone? It feels like yesterday that Eric and I were anxiously awaiting his arrival, and it feels like yesterday that we could hardly sleep, counting down the minutes until we could call the hospital at 5 a.m. to see what time we could come in and start the pitocin. (I had to be induced because of pre-eclamsia symptoms).
Matthew was born on his due date, Sept. 24, 2013, at 3:22 p.m. The laboring process is kind of a blur, but I do remember going from mild contractions to holy crap I'm gonna die contractions in about 20 minutes. I remember setting a deadline of 3:30 p.m. to push him out. I even bet the nurse and midwife that I could do it. I do admit that at 8 a.m. I said I would have him by 2 p.m., but we adjusted it to 3:30 after a complication that made us have to slow things down a little - we needed Matty's heart rate to regulate and mommy to stop having blurred vision. We made it though, and when Eric told me that he was a boy, I couldn't believe that I had a son. I'll admit my first thought was "Yes, I was right again" since I said boy from the minute we found out we were pregnant, and Eric thought for sure he was a girl. But, in that moment, I couldn't imagine the love I would have for this little boy. It's overwhelming at times.
Matthew came into this world pretty calm. He cried for a few seconds but calmed right down when the doctor laid him on my chest. Six months on the outside and he's still a pretty calm baby who relaxes as soon as he gets into my arms. We truly do have a bond that I hope never gets broken. I hope as he grows, he always knows, and never doubts, that I love him with every ounce of my being, and that I will always be there to support him.
At birth, Matthew was 7 lbs 10 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. Today, at six months old, he's roughly 16 lbs and 26 inches long. He has two teeth and is working on a third - all on the bottom. He's a rolling machine, is attempting to scoot/crawl, and walks/runs when you put him on the floor and hold him up by your fingers. He babbles, but isn't saying any words yet. He's pensive and looks as though he's taking everything in, observing what everyone else around him is doing.
Matthew loves Marley and thinks she is the funniest thing in the world. He laughs at her when she barks and runs around the house like a mad puppy. When Marley comes and lays next to him the first thing he goes for is her eyebrows and/or beard. Marley just lets him.
He loves to be sung to and jump in his exersaucer, and he is starting to reach out to people when he wants to be picked up, and although he isn't the best eater when it comes to solid foods, he does love green beans.
He's growing up too quickly, but at the same time, it feels as if he's always been a part of my world. Matthew Lucas I love you forever and always.
Matthew was born on his due date, Sept. 24, 2013, at 3:22 p.m. The laboring process is kind of a blur, but I do remember going from mild contractions to holy crap I'm gonna die contractions in about 20 minutes. I remember setting a deadline of 3:30 p.m. to push him out. I even bet the nurse and midwife that I could do it. I do admit that at 8 a.m. I said I would have him by 2 p.m., but we adjusted it to 3:30 after a complication that made us have to slow things down a little - we needed Matty's heart rate to regulate and mommy to stop having blurred vision. We made it though, and when Eric told me that he was a boy, I couldn't believe that I had a son. I'll admit my first thought was "Yes, I was right again" since I said boy from the minute we found out we were pregnant, and Eric thought for sure he was a girl. But, in that moment, I couldn't imagine the love I would have for this little boy. It's overwhelming at times.
Matthew came into this world pretty calm. He cried for a few seconds but calmed right down when the doctor laid him on my chest. Six months on the outside and he's still a pretty calm baby who relaxes as soon as he gets into my arms. We truly do have a bond that I hope never gets broken. I hope as he grows, he always knows, and never doubts, that I love him with every ounce of my being, and that I will always be there to support him.
At birth, Matthew was 7 lbs 10 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. Today, at six months old, he's roughly 16 lbs and 26 inches long. He has two teeth and is working on a third - all on the bottom. He's a rolling machine, is attempting to scoot/crawl, and walks/runs when you put him on the floor and hold him up by your fingers. He babbles, but isn't saying any words yet. He's pensive and looks as though he's taking everything in, observing what everyone else around him is doing.
Matthew loves Marley and thinks she is the funniest thing in the world. He laughs at her when she barks and runs around the house like a mad puppy. When Marley comes and lays next to him the first thing he goes for is her eyebrows and/or beard. Marley just lets him.
He loves to be sung to and jump in his exersaucer, and he is starting to reach out to people when he wants to be picked up, and although he isn't the best eater when it comes to solid foods, he does love green beans.
He's growing up too quickly, but at the same time, it feels as if he's always been a part of my world. Matthew Lucas I love you forever and always.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
poopsplosion!
I don't typically post about my son's bowel movements because a. it's gross and b. who cares, but this is too funny not to share. Matthew for months has been a once-a-dayer, going only for daddy between the hours of 4:30 and 6 p.m. - after he's picked up from the sitter and before I get home from work. Don't tell Eric, but Matthew and I have been scheming on this for months. He is my bestie after all, and we get a kick out of making daddy change dirty diapers.
Matthew has since started eating more solids, and on Tuesday, I was mortified to find out that Matthew "went" big time during the morning commute, which resulted in an emergency bath, change of clothes and an impromptu laundry session at the sitter's house. The "poopslosion" as I like to call it is a rarity for my little guy. At least that's what I thought.
Last night, Matthew's eczema was bothering him, and he was itching and getting frustrated, so I decided to give him a bath a little earlier in the day than usual. He's sitting up, so I let him play in the water for a few extra minutes, too. After a while, I got him out, applied lotion to his skin and got him dressed in a brand new onsie and sleeper. After that, we went downstairs and I put him in his exersaucer for some play time so I could do the dishes. It wasn't more than 5 minutes until I heard Eric call for me. Houston, we have a problem. Enter poopsplosion # 2.
That new onsie and sleeper were officially "well worn" and it was back to the tub we go. Matthew looked confused at first because we had just finished tubby time, but he soon relished in the fact that he had another chance to splash in the water and play with his rubber ducky. He laughed and laughed, and I couldn't help but laugh a little, too. We finished bath number 2, put on another onsie and sleeper and were settled in for the night. Fingers crossed he doesn't make a habit out of this double bath time routine.
Matthew has since started eating more solids, and on Tuesday, I was mortified to find out that Matthew "went" big time during the morning commute, which resulted in an emergency bath, change of clothes and an impromptu laundry session at the sitter's house. The "poopslosion" as I like to call it is a rarity for my little guy. At least that's what I thought.
Last night, Matthew's eczema was bothering him, and he was itching and getting frustrated, so I decided to give him a bath a little earlier in the day than usual. He's sitting up, so I let him play in the water for a few extra minutes, too. After a while, I got him out, applied lotion to his skin and got him dressed in a brand new onsie and sleeper. After that, we went downstairs and I put him in his exersaucer for some play time so I could do the dishes. It wasn't more than 5 minutes until I heard Eric call for me. Houston, we have a problem. Enter poopsplosion # 2.
That new onsie and sleeper were officially "well worn" and it was back to the tub we go. Matthew looked confused at first because we had just finished tubby time, but he soon relished in the fact that he had another chance to splash in the water and play with his rubber ducky. He laughed and laughed, and I couldn't help but laugh a little, too. We finished bath number 2, put on another onsie and sleeper and were settled in for the night. Fingers crossed he doesn't make a habit out of this double bath time routine.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Touched by Blue4Ben
There is a family that doesn't live too far from me that is going through the unthinkable - one of their 4 year old boys, Ben, has in incurable cancer.
Ben's mom has blogged about fer family's experience and her unwavering faith in God. Ben was a happy, healthy 4 year old just a few months ago, and now, he's been given weeks to live. The Western New York community has rallied behind this family. Businesses, landmarks, and other moms and children have gone "Blue 4 Ben," and have been wearing blue in support of this courageous little boy. His mother explained that she often dresses Ben in blue so others can tell the difference between her identical twins. From what she describes, Ben is full of life with a kind heart and a lot to give to the world. It makes you stop and question why God would do this to this poor family. What could His big plan be, and why would He need to take this little boy away from his parents, his twin brother and his younger sister?
My heart breaks for this mother and her family. She explains their lives now and how it has so dramatically changed and yet, they are trying to keep things normal for all of the little ones. I often wonder how this mother has the strength to live her every day life knowing her child's days are limited unless God grants her a miracle. I pray that He does. I pray that through the power of prayer this little boy makes it. That she will see both of her sons graduate kindergarten, high school, college and then go on to get married and have children of their own.
After reading her blog posts, I find myself holding on to my son a little tighter. I find myself crying for this family and praying that they get through this.
Ben's mom has blogged about fer family's experience and her unwavering faith in God. Ben was a happy, healthy 4 year old just a few months ago, and now, he's been given weeks to live. The Western New York community has rallied behind this family. Businesses, landmarks, and other moms and children have gone "Blue 4 Ben," and have been wearing blue in support of this courageous little boy. His mother explained that she often dresses Ben in blue so others can tell the difference between her identical twins. From what she describes, Ben is full of life with a kind heart and a lot to give to the world. It makes you stop and question why God would do this to this poor family. What could His big plan be, and why would He need to take this little boy away from his parents, his twin brother and his younger sister?
My heart breaks for this mother and her family. She explains their lives now and how it has so dramatically changed and yet, they are trying to keep things normal for all of the little ones. I often wonder how this mother has the strength to live her every day life knowing her child's days are limited unless God grants her a miracle. I pray that He does. I pray that through the power of prayer this little boy makes it. That she will see both of her sons graduate kindergarten, high school, college and then go on to get married and have children of their own.
After reading her blog posts, I find myself holding on to my son a little tighter. I find myself crying for this family and praying that they get through this.
Friday, February 21, 2014
Allergies?
There is nothing scarier than having your son look up to you and have his face is covered in hives. That was my experience last Saturday afternoon after I had eaten some candy with peanuts in it. Matthew has had eczema since he was a few weeks old, but this was different. This was an allergic reaction to something, and quite possibly it was something I ate.
As a nursing mother, I know that I need to drink a lot of water, make sure I eat balanced meals and to limit the amount of junk food that I will ultimately be passing on to my almost 5 month old son. It never occurred to me that he could develop a food allergy. I've had peanut m&ms and even a handful of nuts here and there, but never while nursing and never close to nursing time.
We don't know for sure yet if it is a peanut allergy, so I could be worrying over nothing. But, nevertheless, we go in Monday for blood work to find out. Seeing your child in pain is one of the worst feelings in the world, and I hate to put him through unnecessary testing if it was just a one-time reaction, but a peanut allergy isn't something to mess with. And I'd rather know sooner than later if he does have a food allergy, so we can take the proper steps to ensure that he stays away from anything that has peanuts in them and that the allergy doesn't get worse.
If you read this, please say a little prayer that Matthew doesn't have food allergies. I'll update again after the test results come back.
UPDATE:
Matthew had blood work and it ruled out food allergies, but his eczema is now worse than ever. He looks as though his poor little face has been burned because it's so red and raw. I took Matthew to Immediate Care the other day, because his original pediatrician wouldn't call me back in a timely manner.
It turns out the cream I was told to use was in fact drying out his skin even more. We switched regiments and are now using Aveeno baby eczema and it is helping. I also switched pediatricians, because of the lack of care my child was receiving. I had called a number of times about his rash and the severity of it, but nothing was being done to resolve it. Going to a new doctor, I now feel that my concerns are being addressed and Matthew is much happier now that his face isn't as affected by the eczema. He still has bad flare ups, but we're treating them as they come.
As a nursing mother, I know that I need to drink a lot of water, make sure I eat balanced meals and to limit the amount of junk food that I will ultimately be passing on to my almost 5 month old son. It never occurred to me that he could develop a food allergy. I've had peanut m&ms and even a handful of nuts here and there, but never while nursing and never close to nursing time.
We don't know for sure yet if it is a peanut allergy, so I could be worrying over nothing. But, nevertheless, we go in Monday for blood work to find out. Seeing your child in pain is one of the worst feelings in the world, and I hate to put him through unnecessary testing if it was just a one-time reaction, but a peanut allergy isn't something to mess with. And I'd rather know sooner than later if he does have a food allergy, so we can take the proper steps to ensure that he stays away from anything that has peanuts in them and that the allergy doesn't get worse.
If you read this, please say a little prayer that Matthew doesn't have food allergies. I'll update again after the test results come back.
UPDATE:
Matthew had blood work and it ruled out food allergies, but his eczema is now worse than ever. He looks as though his poor little face has been burned because it's so red and raw. I took Matthew to Immediate Care the other day, because his original pediatrician wouldn't call me back in a timely manner.
It turns out the cream I was told to use was in fact drying out his skin even more. We switched regiments and are now using Aveeno baby eczema and it is helping. I also switched pediatricians, because of the lack of care my child was receiving. I had called a number of times about his rash and the severity of it, but nothing was being done to resolve it. Going to a new doctor, I now feel that my concerns are being addressed and Matthew is much happier now that his face isn't as affected by the eczema. He still has bad flare ups, but we're treating them as they come.
Thursday, January 30, 2014
I love you forever
Night time with Matty is one of my favorite times of the day. We go up to his room, sit in the rocking chair, I nurse him and then we read at least one book before bed time. Last night I chose Love You Forever by Robert Munsch.
When I first got the book I tried to read it to Matthew when he was just days old and couldn't get through it with out sobbing. As touching as the book is, I am not usually the sappy type so I chalked it up to hormones. Now that he is 4 months old, I thought I'd give it another whirl. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that either my postpartum hormones are still in full effect or it's just a really good book that makes me cry when I read it, because by the last page the tears were freely flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks.
The words in the book are just so true. No matter what Matthew does that makes me angry or annoyed as he grows, I will love him forever, I will like him for always, As long as I'm living, My baby he'll be.
I sat there and really let the words sink in. I would do anything for him, and I hope he never doubts that. My main objective in life now is to love him and teach him the tools he needs to be, first and foremost, a good person. When he's little I'll savor the time that he's a mama's boy, but as he grows, my wish for him is to be independent and a hard worker, but also know that he can always count on his mommy to be there to guide him and love him.
As I sat there last night rocking my baby to sleep, I looked down at him with tears still flowing down my face, and he looked up at me and smiled and then reached up to touch my face. It was the most beautiful moment, and it's a memory that I'll cherish for all time. Matty Luke I will Love You Forever.
When I first got the book I tried to read it to Matthew when he was just days old and couldn't get through it with out sobbing. As touching as the book is, I am not usually the sappy type so I chalked it up to hormones. Now that he is 4 months old, I thought I'd give it another whirl. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that either my postpartum hormones are still in full effect or it's just a really good book that makes me cry when I read it, because by the last page the tears were freely flowing from my eyes and down my cheeks.
The words in the book are just so true. No matter what Matthew does that makes me angry or annoyed as he grows, I will love him forever, I will like him for always, As long as I'm living, My baby he'll be.
I sat there and really let the words sink in. I would do anything for him, and I hope he never doubts that. My main objective in life now is to love him and teach him the tools he needs to be, first and foremost, a good person. When he's little I'll savor the time that he's a mama's boy, but as he grows, my wish for him is to be independent and a hard worker, but also know that he can always count on his mommy to be there to guide him and love him.
As I sat there last night rocking my baby to sleep, I looked down at him with tears still flowing down my face, and he looked up at me and smiled and then reached up to touch my face. It was the most beautiful moment, and it's a memory that I'll cherish for all time. Matty Luke I will Love You Forever.
Friday, January 17, 2014
Mommyhood is amazing
Wow, it's been a really long time since I've written to my blog. No, I am not still pregnant!
Matthew Lucas was born on September 24, 2013 at 3:22 p.m. weighing 7 lbs 10 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. He is absolutely amazing and the best thing that has ever happened to me. After nearly 2 years of trying to conceive Matthew, and possibly the worst pregnancy I could imagine, I can honestly say, every heart ache, every tear, every trip to the toilet bowl, was worth it.
I can't even remember what my life was like before he was in it. Before being a mom, I liked to do my own thing and have alone time where I could just decompress after work and on the weekends. Now, I can't wait to get home so I can snuggle my baby, talk to and play with him and nurse him. Nursing is such an awesome experience. It's a bond that I can't really explain. It makes me feel so content to be able to provide for my baby in such a close and personal way.
He is just shy of four months, and I have learned what his different cries mean - there's one for hunger, dirty diapers, tiredness and then my favorite one... the "I miss mommy" one. I just have to go pick him up and it's like all is right in the world again. He's laughing and becoming more vocal every day and he's just such a happy and content little dude. The love I have for him makes my heart literally want to burst open.
When it's a particularly tough day at work or the hubs and I just aren't on the same page, I look at that little boy and none of that matters. As long as he's happy and cared for, that's truly all I need to be happy. I of course still care about my work, but my priorities did a complete 180 after Matt was born and instead of stressing about the every day struggles in life, I now see the bigger picture.The laundry and dishes can wait if my boy wants to be held just a little while longer. After all, he's only this small for so long and then he'll grow up and won't want to snuggle with me. So, I am going to savor it while it lasts.
Matthew Lucas was born on September 24, 2013 at 3:22 p.m. weighing 7 lbs 10 oz and 19 3/4 inches long. He is absolutely amazing and the best thing that has ever happened to me. After nearly 2 years of trying to conceive Matthew, and possibly the worst pregnancy I could imagine, I can honestly say, every heart ache, every tear, every trip to the toilet bowl, was worth it.
I can't even remember what my life was like before he was in it. Before being a mom, I liked to do my own thing and have alone time where I could just decompress after work and on the weekends. Now, I can't wait to get home so I can snuggle my baby, talk to and play with him and nurse him. Nursing is such an awesome experience. It's a bond that I can't really explain. It makes me feel so content to be able to provide for my baby in such a close and personal way.
He is just shy of four months, and I have learned what his different cries mean - there's one for hunger, dirty diapers, tiredness and then my favorite one... the "I miss mommy" one. I just have to go pick him up and it's like all is right in the world again. He's laughing and becoming more vocal every day and he's just such a happy and content little dude. The love I have for him makes my heart literally want to burst open.
When it's a particularly tough day at work or the hubs and I just aren't on the same page, I look at that little boy and none of that matters. As long as he's happy and cared for, that's truly all I need to be happy. I of course still care about my work, but my priorities did a complete 180 after Matt was born and instead of stressing about the every day struggles in life, I now see the bigger picture.The laundry and dishes can wait if my boy wants to be held just a little while longer. After all, he's only this small for so long and then he'll grow up and won't want to snuggle with me. So, I am going to savor it while it lasts.
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